Name: Rube Waddell
Profession: Anything that can be done, and done funly, whilst sloppy drunk
Interests: Fire engines, fishing, alligators, children, marbles, puppies, parades, shiny objects, lights, community theatre, booze, booze, booze, large animals, small women, bartending, rugby, wrasslin’, saving lives, small firearms, eating crackers in bed and booze, booze, booze. Oh, and striking your ass out.
Things the Rube hates: Kill-joy managers, uptight teammates and them Pinkerton guards
Mantra: I like pitchin’, but I’d druther be fishin’
A rare fact about Rube: Once arrested for bigamy after forgetting he hadn’t divorced his previous wife
Name: Rookie Wilson
Profession: Jack of all trades, master of some, including searching for box scores, mixing Mai Tais, holding high school grudges.
Interests: All things sports, the rants of Unsportsmanlike founders, girl-on-girl porn, long walks on the beach, bars with drink specials, the effect of grapefruit juice on vodka, watching Steve Largent highlight films, hair band rock and roll …
Things Rookie hates: Fans who wear elaborate costumes to games, the poetry of Maya Angelou, receivers that don’t go over the middle, the running style of Shaun Alexander, the shot-selection of Kevin Durant, every Richie Sexson at-bat, Courtney Love …
Mantra: Appetite for Destruction is the greatest rock album ever made. I will not accept any argument otherwise.
Name: Mad Maxx
Profession: Successor to Joe Paterno
Interests: Nipples, breasts, shiny things that spin around his head, stuffed animals, the sweet, sweet woman attached to his favorite breasts, one day eating grown-up foods, the music of the Gourds, Big 5 basketball, the bluegrass song “Dooley” not to be confused with “Tom Dooley,” Robert Nighthawk, Flatt and Scruggs, Uncle Tupelo, Desitin, being burped, the preternaturally insane concoctions of Big Daddy Drew, Boppy bouncy chairs, the writing of Malcolm Gladwell and Jimmy Rollins to Chase Utley to Ryan Howard double plays.
Things Maxx hates: Breasts that don’t deliver milk, saline implants, Joe Paterno’s offense, Philadelphia’s sportswriters, diaper rash, Bilirubin, colic, car seats, baths, tummy time, Barney and all of the Teletubbies, except for the supposedly gay one, the moral majority, the American TV show “The Office,” newspaper middle management, tag clouds, broadcast news of all stripes — morning news, noontime news, evening news, late-night news, NPR news, and the goddamn music critics and their rapturous love affair with Wilco.
Mantra: Got Milk?
A rare fact about Maxx: Was basis of the Mad Max character in the movie “The Road Warrior”
MISSING IN ACTION
Name: Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown
Profession: Eight-fingered master of prestidigitation, pitching and power drinking.
Interests: Drinking beer, drinking Jameson’s Whiskey, drinking shots of Patron, drinking any sort of alcohol out of bubble shot glasses, drinking in general, people who drink, the Simpsons, Stephen Colbert, 60-inch high def TVs and UFC fighting taking over the world.
Things Mordecai hates: Anything or anyone that gets between him and his liquor. Hands with four fingers and a thumb.
Mantra: It’s not whether you win or lose, but how much you drink.
A rare fact about Mordecai: Already called “dibs” on the livers of all his non-drinking and moderate-drinking friends.
BELOVED FORMER PLAYERS
Profession: Part-time television watcher, part-time journalist, full-time angry young man.
Interests: The sexual conquests of Jacoby Ellsbury, an endless stream of Crown Royal, big sandwiches, people with tattoos on their necks, Lauren Conrad, teenage melodramas, Austin City Limits, old school rap featuring Slick Rick, the voice of Leonard Cohen on “Chelsea Hotel,” I-AA football, the art of napping, ESPN Classic replays of 80s NBA basketball, the writing of John Steinbeck, the dreadlocks of Manny Ramirez, the art of barbecuing steak, the cultural impact of “Saved by the Bell,” the groupie stories of 80s hair bands and Magnum P.I.
Things Seven hates: Pretty much everything, but specifically Stuart Scott’s lazy eye, Warm beer, short pours, any player who wore a Duke uniform, Dick Vitale, the blatherings of Joe Morgan, anytime Tim McCarver opens his mouth, Oscar De La Hoya’s willingness to smile after losing, pretty much anything that Jemele Hill writes, Mike Gundy, porn where music is dubbed over the actual sound, Kobe Bryant, Manu Ginobili’s bald spot, all things associated with the New York Yankees, when people use the phrase “we had a real connection,” guys that wear pink shirts, faux hawks, all things related to soccer, cyclists who wear official cycling shirts with advertising and anyone who wears sunglasses at the poker table.
Mantra: I don’t hate the common man, but that doesn’t mean I want to talk to him.
A rare fact about Seven: His other career choices besides being a writer were in no particular order: shepherd, permanent Nielson ratings rater, quality control inspector, Mormon church leader, guitar catcher for Bruce Springsteen, sherpa, WNBA referee and alcoholic.