Category Archives: College football

Joe Paterno: I will bury every last one of you worthless fuckers!

Five days away from his 82nd birthday, Joe Paterno received a three-year contract extension Tuesday. Sources report he celebrated by drinking a fifth of Old Forester, eating a pound of raw meat and fucking university president Graham Spanier's wife.

Five days away from his 82nd birthday, Penn State legend Joe Paterno received a three-year contract extension Tuesday. Sources report he celebrated by drinking a fifth of Old Forester, eating a pound of raw meat and fucking the wife of university president Graham Spanier.

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Beaten Army agrees to timetable for withdrawal from venerable Army-Navy Game

Army's punching-bag performance over the past seven Navy games have given Midshipmen loads to crow about.

Army's abysmal performance over the past seven Navy games has provided fun-loving Midshipmen plenty to guffaw about.

PHILADELPHIA – After succumbing meekly to another Navy blitzkrieg and suffering its seventh consecutive defeat to the hated Middies on Saturday afternoon, Army has announced that it has agreed to a 12-month timetable for withdrawing from the venerable service academy rivalry.

Army, which has lost the last seven outings by an average of 29 points and looked as hopeless as ever in Philadelphia on Saturday, says it will pull out of the series after the 110th and final edition is played Dec. 12, 2009, at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia.

A blue-ribbon panel of current and former Army generals commissioned by the U.S. Military Academy, including Norman Schwarzkopf, Colin Powell and David Petraeus, concluded that the only dignified exit for the beleaguered Army team is to cease operations in the rivalry that dates to 1890.

“I know I’ve been an outspoken critic of premature withdrawal in the past,” Petraeus said late Saturday. “But when we assessed the situation and the mounting losses we’ve incurred, we came to one inescapable conclusion. Pouring more manpower and money into an ever-growing black hole is just … counterproductive. We’ve been caught in are a lot of storm clouds out there, and we don’t want to get hit by a lightning bolt.”

Thus will end the nation’s most treasured college football rivalry, which began with a 24-0 Cadets victory in West Point way back back in the 19th century. The series has produced enduring legends like Army’s Doc Blanchard and Glenn Davis, aka Mr. Inside and Mr. Outside, and Navy’s Roger Staubach.

Navy’s seven-game win streak marks the most lopsided period in the storied rivalry. The margin of victory has been in double-digits every time, with the closest being Army’s 26-14 loss in 2006. Army fashioned an 8-0-2 run between 1922 and 1933, but those games were much more competitive, with the Black Knights’ average margin of victory being 8.8 points.

The 74-year-old Schwarzkopf said he was “heartbroken” to see the demise of the Army-Navy Game, but that there was little else that could be done.

“Did you see the way they kicked our tails all over the field today?” said Schwarzkopf, who led U.S. forces in the first Gulf War. “It was (bleeping) pathetic. Running the ball up the middle when we’re down three touchdowns in the fourth(-bleeping) quarter? It’s (bleeper-bleeping) heartbreaking. Seeing those (bleeper-bleeping) Bluejackets own our asses, makes an old soldier want to break down and cry.”

With Navy’s 34-0 whitewashing Saturday, the first shutout in the game since 1978, the Midshipmen lead the series 53 wins to 49. There have been seven ties.

A Sheep in Lions’ clothing

A Sheep in Lions’ clothing … that’s just the sort of moronic pun that would elicit a visit from the grand poobah of journalistic dignity and literary propriety at the word-manufacturing plant where I spend my workdays.

By now you’ve probably heard the fate of poor James Sheep, the hard-working Penn State senior who climbs inside that cuddly Nittany Lions outfit, does the one-handed push-ups and allows himself to be passed from inebriated student to inebriated student during football games at Beaver Stadium.

Yes, the fabled Nittany Lion was arrested on a DUI charge, and school officials said he could be left off the traveling squad for Penn State’s Jan. 1 visit to the Rose Bowl.

After one careless night of serving as chauffeur to a Beverly Hillbillies-sized contingent of shitfaced friends and acquaintances, he’s a national whipping boy. One anonymous Photoshop wag produced the following reaction to Sheep’s night of infamy:

Enough already! OK, just one more.

Enough already! OK, OK, just one more.

It’s just not fair. Sheep’s just following the herd. Keeping up with the Joneses. And Scirrottos. And Bells. You might have noticed that Penn State, home of Joe Paterno’s grand experiment, has been catching up on a lot of the bad press its missed out on over most of the coach’s neverending reign.

Could it be that Sheep’s bad behavior is the unfortunate result of his toxic environment?

Since 2002, a slash-and-burn investigation by ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” discovered that 46 Penn State football players have faced 163 criminal charges. Twenty-seven players have been convicted of or have pleaded guilty to a combined 45 counts.

That’s a lot of bad role models, let me tell you.

So, before you rush to judgment and join the mob salivating to pillory Sheep, pause for a moment to consider what you might’ve done had you spent a season or two in his costume and running with a pack of unsavory Lions.

Editor’s note: During the Michigan State game, on the afternoon following his unfortunate arrest, Sheep was honored for serving as the mascot for nearly two years. Now that’s good, wholesome news your children and neighbors can benefit from.

What might’ve been: The Paterno-Castro nexus

12:48 EST, 9:48 PST, 5:48 GMT

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Approximately three days ago, or 3 billion years ago in the will-o’-the-wisp kingdom of blogsylvania, Fidel Castro resigned.

And I thought: One down, one to go. Time to manufacture some ridiculously contrived cross-cultural blog post reflecting on the end of an era in Havana and the seemingly endless epoch in State College, Pa.

Yes, it would’ve been fun to consider Joe Paterno’s triumph in longevity over the Communist dictator who gave us the harrowing Cuban Missile Crisis, the sublime Teofilo Stevenson and that silly but enduring politician-in-military-fatigues look so that we would have a point of reference to reach back for when George “Top Gun” Bush landed on the USS Lincoln in ludicrous warlike regalia to celebrate our landmark victory in Iraq.

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But someone else had beaten me to the punch. Many others, it seems. That’s what happens when you’re a lazy blogger and you’re too busy rifling your parents’ refrigerator so you’ll have nice snack to nosh on while watching Leno.

Yes, the parallels are striking. One’s a right-wing conservative, the other a left-wing revolutionary. Yes, Paterno and Castro were born in the same year. Yes, they were the enduring autocrats of their respective fields. Yes, they both have egos the size of the former Soviet Union.

It’s too late. It’s all gone.

It took me hours just to recover that sublime work of art that graces the top of this post. And I don’t even know whom to thank for that. It wasn’t easy. Google searches failed me, and I had to mine my Internet history from two days ago just to recover that image.

And while accomplishing that feat of technological dexterity, it became painfully clear how easy it will be for my bosses to compile an impressive dossier to wield against me when the time comes.

Because that time’s coming.

JoePa may reign forever, but my days are numbered.

I know that as sure as I know it’s 100 minutes to deadline.

Joe Paterno to top recruit Terrelle Pryor: You might think Penn State’s not for you, but what the heck do you know?

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Joe Paterno, the college football coaching Methuselah from Penn State, dusted off his traveling sales routine and took a quixotic run at the nation’s No. 1 recruit today.

Paterno, 81, traveled to Jeannette, Pa., just outside of Pittsburgh, in an 11th-hour bid to recruit quarterback Terrelle Pryor, who has shown great ambivalence about the Nittany Lions and seems headed to Big 10 rival Ohio State.

Once there, Paterno wasted little time in getting his point across:

“I’ve heard you say you don’t think Penn State’s the place for you, and I wanted to ask you this: What the heck do you know, young man?”

Paterno’s approach apparently caught the youngster off guard.

“I’m very humbled that you came to see me in person and all, and I respect all that you’ve accomplished at Penn State, but … ” Pryor stammered before he was interrupted by the surly octogenarian.

“I asked you a question, young man, and when an elder asks you a question, you show respect and answer politely: What the heck do you know? You ever heard of Sammy Baugh? Bobby Layne? Sonny Jurgensen? Y.A. Tittle? I didn’t think so. Did you know I played quarterback – and defensive back – when I was at Brown? I know a thing or two about a thing or two, young man. Trouble with you kids today, you’re coddled and spoiled and unwilling to listen to anybody who says something you don’t want to hear.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t know about the area up there,” said the flummoxed teenager, referring to State College, Pa., a rural hamlet isolated in the center of the state.

“You don’t know about that area? Let me tell you something about that area, young man,” Paterno said. “That area is a place where a young knucklehead such as yourself can grow into a man, learn to be a good citizen and, if you pay your dues and are patient and have a little bit of luck, can develop into a pretty fine college quarterback.”

Pryor, 6-foot-6, 235-pound phenom who has narrowed his list of colleges to Ohio State, Michigan, Oregon and Penn State, couldn’t seem to forestall Paterno’s attack.

“Another thing you might not know, young man, but we got another pretty fine quarterback from around here a few years back,” the coach said. “His name is Anthony Morelli, and he didn’t think Penn State was for him, either. But we changed his mind. And he stayed patient, waited his turn and was our starter for his junior and senior seasons. A lot of people like to talk about Tim Tebow this and Tim Tebow that, but Anthony showed a little bit about what maturity can do. He threw 31 TD passes in his career, only one fewer than Mr. Heisman Trophy had (last season).”

Pryor thanked Paterno, wished him luck and said it it’d been a great honor to get a visit from a football legend.

“An honor? An honor? Give me a break,” Paterno said. “What the heck do you know, young man?”

20 Reasons to Hate the BCS Title Game

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  1. Forced to watch shoulda-never-been-there LSU embarrass another overrated and bumbling Ohio State team and then listen to another chorus of punditry about how wonderful the SEC is and how the Big 10 neanderthals haven’t evolved since Red Grange left Illinois.
  2. Having to acknowledge that Reason No. 1 is at least partially accurate after the BCSuckeyes fall to 0-9 in bowl games against SEC opponents.
  3. The inexplicable rise of the Bayou Bengals, based in a city 80 miles distant from the carnage that befell New Orleans when the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers-certified levees failed after Hurricane Katrina, as the sentimental choice for mindless Americans. Hard to fathom that anybody without Louisiana roots and not holding a betting interest could root for LSU.
  4. Outcome more predictable and less entertaining than Steve Carell’s attempts at acting.
  5. Gives phony legitimacy to the Bowl Cartel Syndicate sham.
  6. Announcers’ ad nauseum references to long and august (nine years, to be precise) “BCS championship game history.”
  7. The dirty feeling that will overwhelm me in the morning when I awake with the realization that I rooted for hateful Ohio State just because my self-loathing hatred for LSU was stronger.
  8. Fox sideline reporter emeritus-douchebagicus Chris Myers.
  9. The ubiquitous presence of Fox analyst/Devil’s son-in-law Jimmy Johnson and his absurd hair. And how can he get away with such a monstrosity when fellow Hairclub for Men member John Edwards constantly gets skewered.
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  11. Nothing left to do on the football calendar but to endure the Patriots’ excruciating march to another Super Bowl title and Bill Belichick’s being measured for enshrinement in granite on Mount Rushmore.
  12. The brilliant color analysis of some fucking guy named Charles Davis, who got off to a perfect start by describing Ohio State’s start, one play after the Buckeyes sabotaged a promising drive with an illegal-procedure penalty, as “perfect.”
  13. The discouraging knowledge that it’s only one year until we’ll have to endure another such fraudulent exercise.
  14. The fact that Appalachian State, which had exactly as many losses and one more national title heading into Jan. 7 than LSU, was snubbed by the BCS suits.
  15. The game’s ungainly and filthy official title: AllState BCS National Championship Game.
  16. Speaking of AllState, the insurance giant also sponsored a ludicrous halftime contest dubbed the “AllState Alumni Kicking Challenge,” which, sadly, did not feature any ESPN types getting kicked in the scrotum. To underscore how pointless this exercise was, Ohio State actually beat LSU in this battle.
  17. The horrible realization that the results of Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary are going to be even more depressing.
  18. Game played a full six days after traditional New Year’s Day close to season without clearing up the ambiguities left behind by the pre-BCS-history poll system.
  19. Jim Tressel’s Harvard Square circa 1962 sweater vest, which makes Penn State fossil Joe Paterno look hip by comparison and represents a perfect metaphor for Ohio State’s recent BCS belly flops.
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  21. Les Miles’ smug grin showing up at every Fox closeup, and finally him brandishing the ridiculous crystal egg that the BCS hands out as its trophy.
  22. Speaking of Les, it was great to hear him crow after his team put the invalid Buckeyes out of their misery and thank the BCS for crowning “a definitive national champion.” Douche.

20 Reasons to Love the BCS Title Game

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The Bowl Cartel Syndicate is a travesty of a mockery of a rational system to determine an NCAA football national champion, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love it.

With Ohio State and LSU facing off in New Orleans tonight for the BCS title, now is not the time to decry the system’s obvious inequities. Sure, it’s hopelessly corrupt and irrational, but it’s the best we’ve got. And in accordance with my New Year’s Resolution to stop being so darn negative and take a shot at accentuating the positive, here’s a few reasons to celebrate the big game:

  1. It’s a better use of the Louisiana Superdome than turning it into an insane asylum for terrorized flood victims.
  2. FEMA will play no role in the game’s outcome.
  3. It will provide balm to a nation reeling with grief over the tragic fate of the Spears family.
  4. Gives rise to the joke: How many high-paid writers does it take to put together a snoozer of a live blog on ESPN.com?
  5. All seats are under a roof in case inclement weather strikes.roof.jpg
  6. As sporting spectacles go, it’s way more humane than dogfighting.
  7. Lower Ninth Ward not visible from Superdome or Bourbon Street.
  8. No millionaire baseball stars making transparent denials of steroid use.
  9. Perfect opportunity for enterprising TV journalist to do a personal-interest feature on Toledo Correctional Institution inmate No. A529720, Maurice Edward Clarett.
  10. It’s easy, and a lot less painful than trying to understand just what the hell James Joyce was talking about in Ulysses.
  11. It beats the heck out of prison rape.
  12. It promises to be more competitive than a Top 25 women’s college basketball game.
  13. More fun than watching Hillary Clinton impersonate a human being. .
  14. Osama bin Laden hates LSU and Ohio State.
  15. Preservation Hall Jazz Band and guest vocalist Clint Maedgen will perform the national anthem, which beats the hell out of Carl Lewis.
  16. Post-Katrina New Orleans still beats Darfur as a destination spot.
  17. Fox offers up sexy broadcast duo of Thom Brennaman and Charles Davis.
  18. Jessica Simpson has no reason to be there – unless she’s sneaking around with Les Miles.
  19. We won’t have to endure any more BSC nonsense until autumn.
  20. No innocent children are likely to become senseless victims of collateral damage.war.jpg