Karaoke sucks. I don’t know which word is stronger: Loathe or hate. But whichever it is – or, if there’s an even stronger one – that’s how I feel about fucking goddamn karaoke. There’s at least four thousand reasons why, but not least is the fact there’s only about 20 songs that get sung, and it’s always the same exact type of idiots who sing them. And those idiots can be represented easily by a few of our favorite athletes:
FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES
Artist: Garth Brooks
Athlete who ruins your night by singing it: Brett Favre
Scene: Favre, balls deep in a cycle of oxandrolone, is halfway through the second glass of his fourth pitcher of Coors Light. Mark Chimura and a 17-year-old with a fake ID are sharing the other mic, butchering the lyrics almost as bad as the vocals. Favre smashes his glass into the railing after “THAT YOU’RE LIVIN’ IN” and gets kicked out. Chimura tells the 17-year-old’s friends Favre is an asshole and invites them all back for a hot-tub party.
CLOSER TO FINE
Arist: Indigo Girls
Athlete who ruins your night by singing it: Martina Navratilova
Scene: Martina is out for dinner and a drink with a group. Martina has learned she and a chunky brunette named Rose share a love of Mahi-Mahi and Subaru Outbacks. Three bottles of wine later, she flicks her shoulder-length hair to the side, gives Rose a meaningful sideways glance and drinks from the fountain. The night ends with both writing uncomfortable yet honest entries in their diaries.
ANY WAY YOU WANT IT
Athlete who ruins your night by singing it: Tom Brady
Scene: If you think Tom Brady’s collar isn’t popped for this, you should probably just give up on life. On one side of Tom, there’s a blond artist wannabe named Twala. On the other, there’s three sorority sisters on a 21-run. Everybody leans in to scream into the mic. At least half of this group will throw up within two hours. Following assurances that puke breath doesn’t bother him, Brady will bang two of the girls, though not at the same time.
ICE ICE BABY
Artist: Vanilla Ice
Athlete who ruins your night by singing it: Sue Bird
The scene: Sue’s friend, Kristy, has just broken up with her boyfriend of four years. It’s time for a girls’ night out. The evening started at Red Robin with a round of tuna wraps and raspberry margaritas. Now it’s time for the karaoke bar, and Long Islands all around. Sue has decided it’s time to lay down a flow, as Kristy needs an injection of independent fun to demonstrate that there is life after boyfriend. Unfortunately for Sue, she learns eight seconds into the song that she only knows half the lyrics. She decides to salvage the situation the only way she knows how: booty shaking. She does, however, resume rapping long enough for A1A: Beachfront Avenue! The night ends with Sue holding Kristy’s hair as she sobs into the toilet over a bright pink pool of vomit.
To be continued …