This rock icon cut his teeth singing in a Pentecostal choir in Bumfuck, Indiana, and getting molested by a laundry list of father figures. If he doesn’t have anything meaningful to say about America’s Great Day of Indulgence and Media Overkill, who the fuck does?
Therefore we will mine his insightful and timeless explorations of into the dark abyss of the American Dream to divine the winner of Super Bowl XLII. Hey, it’s more sophisticated than interpreting the entrails of pigs, and it’s more sporting than taking a tire iron to Tom Brady’s right knee.
As it turns out, Guns N’ Roses’ seminal album “Appetite for Destruction” has stood as an accurate Rosetta Stone for picking Super Bowl winners since its 1987 debut.
To date, it’s an astounding 19-1. (Like all self-respecting handicappers, “Appetite for Destruction” erroneously forecast the Seahawks to beat the Steelers in ’06, only to see Jerramy Stevens turn into an even bigger bitch and the referees get flag-happy.) But the point remains, there’s no need to consult your Las Vegas bookie: Thanks to G n’ fuckin’ R, we got the results right now.
1. “Welcome to the Jungle,” 4:31 (Rose, Slash)
2. “It’s So Easy,” 3:21 (McKagan, Arkeen)
3. “Nightrain,” 4:26 (Rose, Slash, Stradlin, McKagan)
4. “Out ta Get Me,” 4:20 (Rose, Slash, Stradlin)
5. “Mr. Brownstone,” 3:46 (Slash, Stradlin)
6. “Paradise City,” 6:46 (Rose, Slash, Stradlin, McKagan)
7. “My Michelle,” 3:39 (Rose, Stradlin)
8. “Think About You,” 3:50 (Stradlin)
9. “Sweet Child o’ Mine,” 5:56 (Rose, Slash, Stradlin, McKagan)
10. “You’re Crazy,” 3:15 (Rose, Slash, Stradlin)
11. “Anything Goes,” 3:25 (Rose, Stradlin, Weber)
12. “Rocket Queen,” 6:13 (Rose, Slash, Stradlin)
Their meaning for the Giants and Patriots:
1. “Welcome to the Jungle”
AKA: The Super Bowl. Where legends are born and fools become household jokes (remember Eugene Robinson?).
This is the big time. Both teams come in flying high after winning their conference titles, and neither wants to become a footnote to history and end its season on the ultimate down note. Life however, is cruel, and one will suffer just that fate.
Axl says: “When you’re high you never, ever want to come down. So down. So down. So down.”
2. “It’s So Easy”
Bill Belichick agrees. His life, the Patriots, and everyone associated with a Boston franchise must feel the same way. Beyond their arrogant self-esteem lies a genuine distaste for anyone who opposes them. Sort of George Bush, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney rolled into one Machiavellian, misanthropic football coach.
Axl says: “I see you standin’ there. You think you’re so cool. Why don’t you just … Fuck off!”
Axl says: “Well I’m a West Coast struttin’, one bad mother, got a rattlesnake suitcase under my arm. Said I’m a mean machine, been drinking gasoline, and honey you can make my motor hum.”
4. “Out ta Get Me”
5. “Mr. Brownstone”
The former No. 1 overall pick has now watched two nobodies replace him and become NFL superstars. For his sanity, at least, Tony Romo and the Cowboys will be at home watching the big game as well.
Axl says: “Now I get up around whenever. I used to get up on time. But that old man, he’s a real motherfucker gonna kick him on down the line.”
6. “Paradise City”
I can assure you, it ain’t Detroit with its Nike’s buffed and its collars starched or New Orleans apres le déluge. But for one of these two franchises, Glendale, Arizona, is gonna feel like a special place.
Axl says: “Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh won’t you please take me home.”
But he also said …
“The surgeon general says it’s hazardous to breathe. I’d have another cigarette but I can’t see … tell me who you’re gonna believe?”
And you know what that means? ‘Cause if you do, let us know, too.
7. “My Michelle”
With no Jessica Simpson around, it’s hard to single someone out to play the role of Michelle. And just for the record, our boy Axl’s not talking about Michelle of sont-les-mots-qui-vont-tres-bien-ensemble fame. But if you take a close look at the lyrics, you might come to the same conclusion we did: only one person can fit the bill.
Though he wont be suiting up for either side, Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor was coached by Belichick and is of course a Giants legend, so we’ll assume he’ll be at the game somewhere.
Axl says: “Your daddy works in porno now that mommy’s not around. She used to love her heroin, but now she’s underground. So you stay out late at night, and you do your coke for free. Drivin’ your friends crazy with your life’s insanity.”
8. “Think About You”
He might be in the stands as well, but Tiki Barber has got to feel just a little absurd after giving up on this Giants team and publicly denouncing Eli’s leadership. Trash-talkin’ Tiki’s probably more responsible than anyone for the media’s universal evisceration and condemnation of little brother. Somehow, the world got tipped on its head, the axis creaked, the continents shuddered and Eli fucking Manning is in the Super Bowl. Sometimes, anything is possible.
Axl says: “Say baby you been lookin’ real good, I remember when we met. Funny how it never felt so good, it’s a feelin’ that I know, I know I’ll never forget.”
9. “Sweet Child o’ Mine”
Unfortunately for the Big Brother Manning, Eli might be hoping for a little motherly love after the Patriots have had two weeks to dissect his weaknesses and deconstruct his reportedly fragile psyche.
Axl says: “Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place where as a child I’d hide and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by.”
10. “You’re Crazy”
Axl says: “‘Cause you’re crazy. You’re fuckin’ crazy. Ya know you’re crazy. I said you’re crazy. Ooh you’re crazy. You know you’re crazy. Well you’re crazy. You know you’re crazy. You know you are – bring it down – you’re fuckin’ crazy!”
11. “Anything Goes”
But then again, don’t get too far ahead of yourselves, Patriot fans. “Any given Sunday” is much more than a shitty football movie. It also describes how you lucky bastards started this whole dynasty thing against the “Greatest Show on Turf” seven years ago. Could your comeuppance be lurking in the Arizona desert?
Axl says: “Tied up, tied down, up against the wall, be my Rubbermade baby and we can do it all. My way-your way, anything goes tonight.”
12. “Rocket Queen”
Axl says: “I’ve seen everything imaginable pass before these eyes. I’ve had everything that’s tangible, honey you’d be surprised. I’m a sexual innuendo in this burned out paradise. If you turn me on to anything you better turn me on tonight.”
Once again, we’re not quite sure what the hell our boy’s talking about, but we think it adds up to this: Pats 42, G-Men 20.
But then again, Mötley Crüe’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” picked the Sonics to make the playoffs this year.