20 Reasons to Hate the BCS Title Game

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  1. Forced to watch shoulda-never-been-there LSU embarrass another overrated and bumbling Ohio State team and then listen to another chorus of punditry about how wonderful the SEC is and how the Big 10 neanderthals haven’t evolved since Red Grange left Illinois.
  2. Having to acknowledge that Reason No. 1 is at least partially accurate after the BCSuckeyes fall to 0-9 in bowl games against SEC opponents.
  3. The inexplicable rise of the Bayou Bengals, based in a city 80 miles distant from the carnage that befell New Orleans when the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers-certified levees failed after Hurricane Katrina, as the sentimental choice for mindless Americans. Hard to fathom that anybody without Louisiana roots and not holding a betting interest could root for LSU.
  4. Outcome more predictable and less entertaining than Steve Carell’s attempts at acting.
  5. Gives phony legitimacy to the Bowl Cartel Syndicate sham.
  6. Announcers’ ad nauseum references to long and august (nine years, to be precise) “BCS championship game history.”
  7. The dirty feeling that will overwhelm me in the morning when I awake with the realization that I rooted for hateful Ohio State just because my self-loathing hatred for LSU was stronger.
  8. Fox sideline reporter emeritus-douchebagicus Chris Myers.
  9. The ubiquitous presence of Fox analyst/Devil’s son-in-law Jimmy Johnson and his absurd hair. And how can he get away with such a monstrosity when fellow Hairclub for Men member John Edwards constantly gets skewered.
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  11. Nothing left to do on the football calendar but to endure the Patriots’ excruciating march to another Super Bowl title and Bill Belichick’s being measured for enshrinement in granite on Mount Rushmore.
  12. The brilliant color analysis of some fucking guy named Charles Davis, who got off to a perfect start by describing Ohio State’s start, one play after the Buckeyes sabotaged a promising drive with an illegal-procedure penalty, as “perfect.”
  13. The discouraging knowledge that it’s only one year until we’ll have to endure another such fraudulent exercise.
  14. The fact that Appalachian State, which had exactly as many losses and one more national title heading into Jan. 7 than LSU, was snubbed by the BCS suits.
  15. The game’s ungainly and filthy official title: AllState BCS National Championship Game.
  16. Speaking of AllState, the insurance giant also sponsored a ludicrous halftime contest dubbed the “AllState Alumni Kicking Challenge,” which, sadly, did not feature any ESPN types getting kicked in the scrotum. To underscore how pointless this exercise was, Ohio State actually beat LSU in this battle.
  17. The horrible realization that the results of Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary are going to be even more depressing.
  18. Game played a full six days after traditional New Year’s Day close to season without clearing up the ambiguities left behind by the pre-BCS-history poll system.
  19. Jim Tressel’s Harvard Square circa 1962 sweater vest, which makes Penn State fossil Joe Paterno look hip by comparison and represents a perfect metaphor for Ohio State’s recent BCS belly flops.
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  21. Les Miles’ smug grin showing up at every Fox closeup, and finally him brandishing the ridiculous crystal egg that the BCS hands out as its trophy.
  22. Speaking of Les, it was great to hear him crow after his team put the invalid Buckeyes out of their misery and thank the BCS for crowning “a definitive national champion.” Douche.
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4 responses to “20 Reasons to Hate the BCS Title Game

  1. Don’t be hatin’ on Steve Carell.
    Carell coulda coached the Buckeyes to victory. He’d have somehow figured out a way to score five touchdowns, kick three extra points and convert two 3-point converstions. Final score: Ohio State 39, LSU 38.
    Yeah, 3-point conversions. Nobody but Steve Carell coulda pulled if off.
    OK, maybe Donnie (The Man) Rumsfield? Cause whatever Rumsy wanted, Rumsy got. Right?
    Which gets me to my point. I think.
    Wouldn’t Steve Carell be the perfect Domsy Rumsy if they ever made a movie about Domsy Rumsy?
    If it didn’t work out, he could be Les Miles. It would be kind of a Riverboat Gambler/Casablanca/Alfred Hitchcock kind of film. They’d be looking for Jewell’s lost tooth and wind up in Mexico, sleeping with Tony Romo and Jess (yeah, we’re tight, so I can call her Jess).
    She likes her whiskey with coke zero.
    I likes it straight on some ice cubes.

  2. Good post. What about Les and his mock turtleneck?

  3. Pingback: Why Charlie Weis Deserves To Be Despised And The Irish Deserve Better « Dreadnaught

  4. Pingback: Why Charlie Weis Is Loathsome And The Irish Deserve Better « Dreadnaught

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