Jessica: What the hell? Daddy said he was supposed to be some hot-shot world-beating superstar guy or something? This is sooo boring. I bet Ashlee’s doing something fun. I hate her!
Tony: Fuck, fuck, fuckety-fuck! These dipshit beauties are a plague on my sweet, sweet quarterback rating. I can’t stick my finger in my own asshole when they’re watching. What the hell’s wrong with me? These bitches, they’re harder on my rating than the damn Eagles.
Jessica: What the hell? If he’s so all-fired honky-tonkin’ great, why’s he keep throwing the ball to the other team? This is sooo lame! I look ridiculous in this uniform thingy. God, I’m so embarrassed I could simply die! I wish Daddy didn’t talk me into wearing it. I bet Christina wouldn’t be caught dead in it, even if she is all knocked-up and fat.
Tony: First Carrie. Now Jessie. Same old story. She’s a witless moron, but I have to admit she looks fucking hot in my jersey! I always secretly liked the color pink.
Jessica: Jessica Ann, honey, what in the Sam hell are you thinking? You keep shittin’ and fallin’ back in it, girl. Look at that sorry son of a bitch down there! But Daddy said dating the Cowboys quarterback would make everyone forget that Dolly Parton thing at the Kennedy Center.
Tony: Carrie shows up last year, my Christmas goes kerplunk, straight into the shitter. I throw two picks, we lose to Philly … at home. My poor, faithful quarterback rating takes it in the nuts … 45.5. Worst of my career. I thought I learned my lesson. Now this! Three picks, 6 lousy points, we lose to Philly again. In our house! Nobody’s losing to Philly this year! And my beloved, steadfast rating! An unsightly 22.2! Can it ever forgive this thoughtless indiscretion?
Jessica: Girl, mama always said your horse sense ain’t worth a Yankee dime. But Daddy said I got the tits that will rule the world.
Tony: I can’t believe this! What a dope! Dr. Niederman says it’s performance anxiety. God she’s hot. I love those pouty lips. I wonder if she’ll blow me tonight?
Jessica: Daddy, why do those awful critics hate me so much? They’re gonna hate “Blonde Ambition,” I just know it. They say I can’t act! But you always said I was your favorite little actress in the world. The sexiest too.
Tony: Jesus Cover-2 Zone Christ! Oh, my dear, tender, innocent quarterback rating, I’ll never betray you for some lame-brained piece of celebrity ass again. But you have to admit she has a hot ass. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Never again! That’s a promise. Bottom of my heart. Still, I wonder if it would hurt to fuck her one last time? That would be sweet.
Jessica: Godddd, this is soooo boring. Ugh! I should’ve gone shopping. Daddy says Nieman-Marcus has those awesome Manolo Blahniks on sale for just $899! I’m simply in love with those shoes!
Tony: Fuck me sideways. Some Hollywood harlot gets my balls tied in a granny knot, and the next thing I know, I’m Eli Manning with a star on my helmet.
Jessica: Didn’t Carrie say he was married to a football or something? I think he’s a little weird. Ashlee says Daddy’s a little weird.
Tony: Fuck, fuck, fuckety-fuck! I’m gonna hear it from T.O., you can bet your bottom dollar on that. He’s gonna be all over my ass. ‘Get me the ball! Get me the ball! Just get me goddamn the ball!’ I can hardly wait. What a dickhead!
Jessica: Maybe I should dye my hair black. I wonder what Johnny’s up to? I miss the way he used to sing “Your Body is a Wonderland” to me while I licked his cute little toes. He sings it way, way better than Daddy does.
Tony: Forgive me Sweet Lord, she’s hot. I want to fuck her so bad, it makes me crazy. I can’t help it. That little man’s doing somersaults in my groin again.
Jessica: Hmm-hmm-hmm … Your skin like porcelain, One pair of candy lips and, Your bubblegum tongue. …
Tony: Two games left, then the playoffs. Oh, my sweet, loyal, stand-by-your-man quarterback rating! It meant nothing! It’s just physical. Meaningless, I swear. It has nothing to do with you, I swear! Ooh, I’m so sorry.
Jessica: And why’s he always putting his hands under that fat guy’s ass? I wonder if he’s gay or somethin’?
Tony: No more, no more, beloved rating of mine. From here on out, it’s just gonna be us. That’s it! From here on out, I’m gay.