Iran? Let’s beat the piss out of them!

Thank you sports fans.

I’m here to address you on a subject of grave importance to all freedom-loving American sports fans. You might have heard news recently about the new National Intelligent Estimate saying that Iran has not pursued a nukuler weapons program since 2003.

Some folks think this means we don’t need to deal toughly with Mahmoud & Co. anymore. I’m here to tell you that dog won’t hunt. I may not be great at pronouncing fancy foreign names, I’m more at home with folksy Texas ones. But I know about Iran. And the people who say who we should go soft on Iran are misunderestimating the Iranians, and they’re making a terrific mistake.

Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous, and Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge to make a nukuler weapon. Sure they haven’t messed with that nukuler weapons stuff since 2003. Who’s to say they won’t start messing with that stuff again tomorrow?

Know what I mean?

Let’s have a little plain talk. You know the Oakland Raiders have not played in a Super Bowl since 2003? But they’re still the Raiders, know what I mean? Heh-heh.

Look at that logo. Scary! The eye patches make me think those fellows are hiding something. Make me want to call Hans Blix, heh-heh. Their swords will cut you to the quick. All that black everywhere. Not a bright, peaceful, freedom-loving color in the whole bunch. That’s axis of evil stuff if I ever seen it, folks. They’re pirates, buccaneers, Raiders.

They are people who hate freedom. And democracy.

Ever notice the nicknames they give out there in Raider Nation? The Mad Bomber? The Snake? The Assassin? Dr. Death? Darth Raider? These are bad men. Men with evil on their minds.

And you know what? The Raiders stink now, but that doesn’t mean they’re gonna stink tomorrow. You think my buddy Tom Brady of the Patriots is gonna say, “Hey, let’s not worry about the Raiders, they’ve stunk since 2003?”

Heck no. I know Tom better than that. He’d say, “You know the Raiders were pretty good once. Who’s to say they won’t be good again tomorrow? Let’s beat the piss out of them.”

How ’bout them New York Yankees? Now, down in Texas, we never cared too much for Yankees. Heh-heh. They haven’t won a World Series since 2000.

But do you know what they call themselves? The Bronx Bombers!

Bombers – suicide, Bronx, whatever – they’re all terrorists in my book. You think my buddy Curt Schilling and the good folks in Red Sox Nation are gonna take their eyes off the Steinbrenners and rest easy? You think Curt’s gonna say, “We had the Yankees’ number back in 2004, we had their number in 2007, so let’s not worry about them?”

Heck no. I know Curt better than that. He’d say, “You know what, they’re still the Bronx Bombers. They’d cut the tendons out of my ankles if they got the chance. They beat the pants off us once, and who’s to say they won’t beat the pants off us tomorrow? Let’s beat the piss out of them.”

And you know what else? These folks working in American intelligent agencies, they’ve been wrong before. I hate to say that, but it’s true. Remember back before we liberated Iraq? They told me and you that Saddam had a whole mess of WMDs. They were wrong then. Who’s to say they won’t be wrong again?

Just because these folks say Iran’s not working on nukuler weapons, does that mean we shouldn’t worry about Mahmoud & Co?

Heck no. I know Iran better than that.

Let’s beat the piss out of them!