Pity the poor Central Washington Wildcats.
Not only do the upstart Wildcats have to contend with NCAA Division II juggernaut Grand Valley State in the national quarterfinals Saturday, they’ll be keeping a nervous eye on Louie the Lecherous Laker, Grand Valley’s unpredictable mascot.
The Lakers have won 39 straight games, including the last two national championships. They are the top-ranked team in Division II, or as the NCAA calls it, the Football Subdivision Cul-de-sac. They haven’t lost a game since 2004. They have a sophomore quarterback, Brad Iciek, who has thrown for 27 touchdowns.
He’s only a mascot, you say? Why should this faux salty seamen concern the upstart Wildcats on the eve of their biggest game since joining Division II? Well, if you saw Louie taking liberties with a defenseless goal post during Grand Valley’s 21-14 victory over North Dakota last week, you’d tremble in fear. It was a bit of lascivious pole gymnastics that might make Gypsy Rose Lee blush.
We’re not sure if this is what Andy Fry, the director of the “Lounatics” student section at Grand Valley State U, had in mind when he told the student newspaper this week that “We expect good behavior out of our Louie, on and off the field,” but …
You might expect this sort of freaky, fully clothed frottage from a Bulldog, a Wildcat, possibly even a Moss. But a jug-headed mascot for a Division II powerhouse?
Maybe there’s a reason that the Lakers insist all their Louies remain anonymous.
Central quarterback Mike Reilly said he’s not afraid of the big, bad, ball-shaking Laker.
“We’re not concerned about any (expletive) sex-freak mascot, we’re worried about beating the two-time defending champions on their own damn field,” Reilly said. “Besides, if that giant-jawed, little-eared pervert so much as lays a hand on one of my guys, his goal-post humping testicles will be on the receiving end of a statement pass that he’ll never forget.”