I hope you’re fucking happy!


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So now you know.
I’m making $512, 664 this year.
Those sons of bitches down in Harrisburg have been hounding me for five years, poring over my garbage, looking under my doormat, saying you needed to know. Now you know.
Does that make you happy? I fucking hope so.
Kind of makes you feel a little ashamed, doesn’t it?
You say my offense is as archaic and predictable as a “Three’s Company” plot line? Well, I’m getting paid in 1970s dollars. So fuck you.

So I’m making more than a half-million simoleons a year. Big fucking deal. Did you know that I’ve won 371 games in my career? I guess that means nothing. You know that I’ve won more games against Division I opponents than any coach in NCAA history? Didn’t think so. So fuck you!

That asshole Saban is raking in $4 million down in Alabama, and he can’t even beat the sisters of the poor from James Monroe, Louisiana-Monroe, or whatever the hell it is. Fifty-six years old, and he’s making 4 mil. And me at 80, barely breaking a half-million.

You’d think I’d still be coaching if I got beat by Akron? Temple? You tell me. You know how many college wins Saban has? Nine-tee-fucking-eight!

That’s right. Did you know 90 percent of the people in Zambia are living on less than $2 a day? Is that my fault? Fuck no. Ask that fucker Saban. He’s making eight times what I’m making, and he’s not fit to sniff my Ivy League jockstrap. And how about that $4 million I’ve donated to the university? Think they’ll name a goddamn library after Saban in Alabama? Didn’t think so.

Saban! He’s the Jackie Sherrill of his day. A carpetbagger with no sense of place, history or soul. You think he’s going to be in Tuscaloosa in 2047?

No. So fuck him. And fuck you, too!

He loses to some school my old Brown team could’ve whipped, and he has the audacity to compare a game of football to a national tragedy like Pearl Harbor, the September 11 terrorist attacks or the massacre of the Melos during the Peloponnesian War.

Bet you philistines never heard of the Peloponnesian War? So fuck you!

Think I’m overpaid? Maybe you didn’t see this. I got my fucking leg nearly sheared in two by a Badger last year, when I was making less than half a mil.

Cicero said it best: “A life of peace, purity and refinement leads to a calm and untroubled old age.”

Allow me to translate for you neanderthals: I’m worth every fucking penny this goddamn university sees fit to pay me. And more. So fuck you!

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