THE ULTIMATE BREAKDOWN: Is Tony Romo the next Roy Hobbs? Is Jessica Simpson a dumber version of Memo Paris? Can Carrie Underwood be the next Iris Gaines?

By now everybody knows that Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are officially a couple. And I’m officially nauseated to the point of vomiting. And if you didn’t know about the latest celeb couple, you obviously weren’t watching Sunday’s Cowboys-Eagles game, in which Fox showed countless shots of Ms. Simpson in a private box sporting a pink Cowboys No. 9 jersey (Don’t even get me started on the fucking pink jersey phenomenon, that’s a whole other post) and cheering on her new man.

It brought back awful memories of Fox continually showing Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda, during the Rams’ Super Bowl run. Just the memory of that crew-cutted wench in a feather boa gives me the creeps.

Anyway, about the only decent thing of the constant shots of Simpson, (well, besides her ample bosoms) was the pompous, pretentious and prickly Joe Buck having to mention it, as if it was all so beneath him and his bulbous and massive cranium. Get over it Joe, you’re a sports announcer not the ethical and moral conscience of America.

And as Romo slogged his way through a 13-of-36, 214-yard, three interception, two fumble, no-touchdown performance in the Cowboys’ 10-6 loss to Philly, I knew immediately that every hack on the evening news, not to mention the idiots at ESPN, would lead with something like, “Jessica Simpson might not be invited back to any more Cowboys games after Sunday, Ha, Ha (I’m so quippy, but really not funny.) Put on some more makeup and hairspray, you cliche-spewing douche bag.

But maybe it’s more than Simpson being at the game and jinxing her new boyfriend, maybe it’s the idea of her dating Romo altogether as a massive jinx. And as they showed her blonde mug smiling, I couldn’t help think back to platinum-blond Kim Basinger, playing the ultimate jinx of a girl for an athlete, “Memo Paris” in “The Natural.” And I’m not the only one.

So let’s run a brief (or not-s0 brief) breakdown of all the parties involved.

First the men …

Name: Roy Hobbs

Hometown: “Nowhere special”

Position: Right fielder

Number: 9

Obscure fame: Once struck out the Whammer Wally Wambold on three pitches outside of a county fair.

Rise to Glory: Signed to the New York Knights by scout Scotty Carson as a joke, “an absolute nobody, from nowhere.” Hobbs and his bat “Wonderboy” collected their first major league hit — a triple in which the cover was ripped from the ball. Hobbs then helped lead the hapless Knights out of the cellar with a July run of victories.

Fall back to earth: Hobbs started striking out with the frequency of Richie Sexson and the Knights started falling back in the standings, roughly about the time he started dating his manager, Pop Fisher’s niece Memo, and they became the ‘it’ couple in New York.

Women in his life: Iris Gaines (his first love), Harriet Bird (the evil athlete assassin), and Memo Paris (his jinx of a girlfriend who likes to walk around naked under fur coats).

Words he lives by: “And then when I walked down the street people would’ve looked and they would’ve said there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.”

Name: Tony Romo

Hometown: San Diego, California

Position: Quarterback

Number: 9

Obscure fame: As a senior at Eastern Illinois, he set school and conference records for completions with 258 in 407 attempts for 3,418 yards, ranking him second in conference and third in school history for a season. He threw for 34 touchdowns and scored one rushing touchdown. Along with the Walter Payton Award, Romo earned consensus All-America honors. He was also selected All-Ohio Valley Conference and was named OVC Player of the Year for the third straight year. But his team was bounced from the I-AA playoffs with a humbling performance against the University of Montana at Washington-Grizzly Stadium in Missoula.

Rise to Glory: After holding a clipboard for the likes of Quincy Carter, Chad Hutchinson, Drew Henson, Vinny Testaverde and Drew Bledsoe, Romo got his chance last season to start. He had mixed success, but did a Pro Bowl spot after playing in just 10 games. This season, he’s helped lead the Cowboys to an NFC East title and a first-round playoff bye.

Fall back to earth: Well, there was that whole botched snap in last year’s playoff loss to the Seahawks, which left Romo a blubbering mess. Since he started dating Simpson about a month ago, Romo’s completion percentage is down and his interceptions are up.

Women in his life: Well, there was American Idol winner and country singer Carrie Underwood. Then there was “One Tree Hill” actress Sophia Bush, and a brief encounter with trailer-trash pop singer Britney Spears, and now it’s the vapid and possibly retarded (but very hot) Jessica Simpson.

Words he lives by: “If something in sports is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you’ve lived a pretty good life.“

Now let’s get to the Anti-Christ, wet-blanket, success-sapping girlfriends…

Name: Memo Paris

Hometown: Slutsville, Indiana, but raised in Gold-digging Bitch, New York, and a brief interlude in Jersey Chaser, New Jersey.

Position: Arm-candy of the current “it” New York Knights player. And possible high-priced prostitute.

Number: “I’ve known a thousand guys and they’ve been swell.” A thousand? A thousand? She sounds like my high school girlfriend. Slut alert! Slut Alert!

Reason for fame: She “knows” all the right people. And apparently so does her vagina.

Rise to Glory: She’s the niece of Knights’ manager Pop Fisher, predisposing her to the world of baseball players.

Fall back to earth: Roy chooses a chance to hit away instead of $10,000 cash and a life with her.

Men in her life: Well, there’s one-eyed bookie Gus Sands, who’s her “friend.” And then there was Bartholomew “Bump” Bailey, who died, crashing through a wall in pursuit of a flyball. She quickly replaced Bailey with Roy Hobbs, even before Bailey’s ashes hit the ground at Knights’ Field. There also seems to be a brief moment with starting pitcher Al Fowler.

Signs she’s bad luck: Let’s see, one of her boyfriends died. The other started striking out more than Richie Sexson when he started dating her. It was her food that triggered a violent reaction of the bullet lodged in Hobbs stomach.

The applicable quote: “I got it in my mind that girl’s a jinx.” — Pop Fisher.

Name: Jessica Simpson

Hometown: Dallas, Texas

Position: “I like Missionary and sometimes Doggy style”

Number: Apparently, like four or five since she was supposedly a virgin when she got married.

Rise to fame: She gained some measure of notoriety during the late 1990s as a pop-tart singer along the lines of a then somewhat chaste and pre-breakdown Britney Spears and pre-boob job Christina Aguilera. That fame grew considerably after her marriage to boy-bander Nick Lachey and the reality show “Newlyweds” that followed their lives. Newlyweds allowed to the public to see how pampered, naive and basically dumb Simpson was. whether it was her confusion with Chicken of the Sea tuna, where the wings are located on a buffalo for buffalo wings and her tendency to have awful-smelling bowel movements.

Fall back to earth: Most of the public seemed to side with Lachey following their 2003 divorce. You could also date her disgrace to the point she started dating Super Douche Dane Cook after the divorce. The guy has less talent than she does. Also her latest movie, “Blonde Ambition” went straight to DVD.

Men in her life: Lachey, Johnny Knoxville, (whom she reportedly cheated on Lachey with while filming the movie, “Dukes of Hazzard”), Cook, (who might or might not be funny, we’re leaning toward might not), Adam Levine of Maroon 5 (who might or might not have talent), John Mayer (who when he’s not aping Dave Matthews’ singing style, writes really dumb songs and is really gay, and just kidding himself.), followed by Romo.

Signs she bad luck: Hmm, let’s see … Lachey has been reduced to making appearances at home games of the Triple-A baseball teams he owns and hosting a show about choirs. Cook did those hideous “It’s October” commercials and cemented his status as the unfunniest man in America. He still hasn’t realized he’s a total joke. Levine is still putting out shitty songs. Same with Mayer. And Romo basically played an entire game with one hand around his choking neck with Simpson in attendance.

The applicable quote: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.’ “

So we need a solution?

Well, in “The Natural” Iris Gaines stands up at a game in Chicago “because I didn’t want to see you fail,” she tells Hobbs. After a long talk with Gaines after the game, Hobbs got on another hot streak, hitting four home runs in one game the next day and leading the Knights back into contention. And while the Cowboys haven’t completely imploded, we can point to Romo’s version of “Iris Gaines” to bring him back to the top level. It has to be Carrie Underwood. So let’s break them down.

Name: Iris Gaines

How she met Hobbs: They were childhood sweethearts growing up on neighboring farms.

The relationship: First true love. It’s so sweet that I wanted to puke.

The special connection: Well, they had sex, which produced a son than Hobbs never knew about till his final at-bat of the one-game playoff. And we all know how that ended.

Words to remember: “You know, I believe we have two lives. … The life we learn with and the life we live with after that.”

Name: Carrie Underwood

How she met Romo: Supposedly when Underwood performed at halftime of the Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game last year.

The relationship: After much public speculation and several public appearances, the two admitted to be dating about six months later.

The special connection: It was both’s first celebrity significant other.

Words to remember: “I’ve heard all kinds of crazy rumors about myself. I’ve even heard that I’m pregnant! I’ve become real good about laughing things off- I figure I’d better get used to it.”

So what does it all mean?

Well, Hobbs ended up with Iris and his son, the Knights won the pennant after a totally implausible light-shattering home run. And they all lived happily ever after, except for Memo, who went back to whoring. For Romo, he won’t be giving up Simpson and her expansive breasts anytime soon. That means he’ll continue to suck, Joe Buck will still have to mention her in broadcasts against his wishes and the Cowboys will lose in the second weekend of the playoffs. And we’ll be inundated with endless hype about Brett Favre going to the Super Bowl. Shh, I think you can hear Peter King and Chris Berman simultaneously masturbating right now.

Winners: Favre and the Packers, everybody who hates the Cowboys, Romo’s penis, and Peter King and Chris Berman.

Losers: Cowboys fans, Romo’s brain, which will be sucked of all its remaining intelligence. And me, for wasting five hours compiling all of this.

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