Breakdown: Scott Boras vs. Satan

If you google Scott Boras + Devil, you come back with 53,200 hits, and if you google Scott Boras + Satan it comes back 1,020 hits.

Coincidence? We don’ t think so. Have you ever seen Boras and Satan in the same room? Neither have we. Are they one in the same? Check out this artist’s rendering.

Still, we’re willing to give both despicable beings the benefit of the doubt that they are separate entities. In fact it is rumored that Boras negotiated A-Rod’s deal for his soul with Satan. And sources have said Satan worked on the inside with Steinbrenners to get A-Rod’s new contract signed. They may not be one in the same, but they might be related. Let’s break them down. …

Name: Scott Boras

Also known as: Satan, Money-Sucking Leach, A-Rod’s Pimp, the Downfall of Baseball, Fucking Scott Boras, Scott Fucking Boras, the Team Killer.

Occupation: Agent. No, not a secret agent, but a sports agent. An occupation with slightly more credibility than the puke-dust spreader on the Tilt-A-Whirl at the county fair. Owner of Boras Corp., a consortium of people conspiring to destroy the American sports landscape at a 10 percent rate.

Born: born Nov. 2, 1952 in Elk Grove, Calif.

Family: Wife, Jeannette, three children

Favorite Color: Of course, green, it’s the color of money. Or light blue, the color of Alex Rodriguez’s eyes.

What they are saying about him: “He is a very, very bad man. Exquisitely bad, in a foreclose-on-the-farm sort of way.” — Rick Morrisey of the Chicago Sun Times. “The Most Hated Man in Baseball, the heartless bastard hell-bent on destroying our National Pastime, the keen-eyed pimp of ball-hogging, bat-whipping, splitter-hurling youth.” — Scott Raab, Esquire

Best decision: Convincing then-Bethany Nazarene College pitcher Tim Belcher to refuse a $100,000 signing bonus from the Minnesota Twins as the No. 1 pick of the 1983 draft. Belcher then re-entered the now defunct winter draft and got a $150,000 bonus from the Yankees (shocking). Basically, the greedy fucker changed the entire draft for a never-will-be run of the mill starting pitcher. In years to come, Boras would threaten the sit-out move to teams who would refuse to pay enormous bonuses, even having J.D. Drew sit out an entire year after being drafted by the Phillies.

Worst decision: Still working on that one, most likely his wardrobe or haircut which don’t belie that of a multi-gajillionaire.

Famous for: Negotiated a 10-year, $252 million contract for Alex Rodriguez with the Texas Rangers. Not surprisingly, Boras managed to get Rangers owner Tom Hicks to basically outbid everyone, including himself by $60 million. Subsequent IQ tests of Hicks reveal, though he was stupid, he wasn’t legally retarded. Oh, and Hicks was extremely fucking gullible.

High point: His first multi-millionaire contract as an agent was a 5-year, $7.5 million contract for nondescript starting pitcher Bill Caudill from the Toronto Blue Jays. Not surprisingly, Caudill retired three years into the contract because of an arthritic shoulder.

Low point: Leaking to reporter that A-Rod would opt out of his monster contract with the Yankees during the World Series. Boras then confidently proclaimed to be looking for a 10-year, $350 million contract for A-Rod. It looked like things got worse for A-Rod when he eschewed Boras’ help to renegotiate his contract with the Yankees, eventually settling on a 10-year, $275 million contract with the”idiot” brothers. But really, do you honestly believe Boras didn’t have a hand in it? The guy is a fucking megalomaniac. And do you honestly believe A-Rod had the balls or the fortitude to do something that independent on his own? Fuck no. When he has sex with his wife, Boras tells him when to insert and which positions to use.

Enemies: Any fan of a small-market baseball team, major league baseball owners, Jerry Reinsdorf specifically, other sports agents and me.

Remembered for: as being one of the most hated men in baseball, giving us the beautiful sound of A-Rod being booed by Yankees fans and the man who made free agency what it is today.

Crimes against humanity: Multi-year contracts for J.D. Drew.

Ultimate downfall: Baseball owners in collusion, A-Rod flunking a drug test, stress-induced heart attack, choking on his creme brulee, or a crazed Royals fan who watches starter Luke Hochevar win 20 games and then sign a free-agent deal with the Yankees for $190 million.

Name: Satan

Also known as: The Devil, Lucifer, Mastema, Beelzebub, Metatron, Legba, Scott Boras

Occupation: Lord of Evil and Landlord of Hell (no pets, no rent control, no utilities paid). According to some faiths, the root of all sin.

Born: A really long time ago

Family: Until banishment, he was a member of God’s chorus of angels. Now he’s kind of a loner, a rebel.

Favorite Color: Most people think its red. After all, every devil costume is red, but really it’s black first and red second. Hmmm, black and red, isn’t that the colors of Chicago Bulls, maybe there’s something to that.

What they’re saying about him: “The Media is ruled by Satan. But yet I wonder if many Christians fully understand that.” — Jimmy Swaggart. “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?” — Mark Twain. “Bart, stop pestering Satan?” — Marge Simpson. And best of all: “Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?” — Saddam Hussein in “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”

Best decision: Well, that’s all relative on what perspective you look at it from. Perhaps its finding evil and splitting from the God squad. It’s all mind over matter. If you don’t mind eternal damnation and a life in hell, than it doesn’t matter. Besides isn’t it more enjoyable being bad than being good?

Worst decision: Allowing Britney Spears to sell her soul to him in return for musical stardom and fame. “Yeah, I might have fucked that one up. I want to control all of mankind, not kill it,” he said. “You should have heard her sing before she sold her soul. I did all you guys a favor. How I was supposed to know when K-Fed sold his soul to me for the chance to bang a hot celebrity babe, the two would meet, mate and reproduce? What are the fucking odds?”

Famous for: Well at least in Christian faith, for turning into a serpent and then convincing Eve to eat the fruit from the forbidden tree in Eden. The first evidence of women submitting to phallic-shaped objects. Of course, we all know what happens next, the woman fucked over all of humanity by convincing Adam to eat the fruit as well, and in turn having both of them banished from Eden, giving man eternal sin. Stupid bitch just couldn’t be the only one who screwed up, she had to make sure the guy did too — a sign of things to come for men.

High point: Well besides the sexual and legal transgressions of God Squadders Jerry Falwell, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard and the whole Catholic priest molestation trend, it was having Al Pacino play him in the movie “The Devil’s Advocate.” Hey if you’re having Pacino play you in a movie, you must be doing something right. Even if Pacino plays the same character in all his movies. They just different names and wardrobes. Hoo-aah.

Low point: Having Keanu Reeves play your bastard son in the same movie. That should be a birth control commercial: Narrator: “Thinking about having unprotected sex, besides HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, the clap, this also could happen to you.” Cut to footage from Point Break where a long-haired, wooden-looking Reeves confronts Patrick Swayze on a beach in Australia. “I have to take you doooowwwn, Boooddeeee.” Fade to black, narrator chimes in: “Unprotected sex can lead to retarded offspring. It’s your choice.” Also, being portrayed by Elizabeth Hurley in the movie, “Bedazzled.” It seems if you are cast as Satan, you must have no acting talent whatsoever.

Enemies: Mike Huckabee, Joel Osteen, Joel Osteen’s teeth, the Republican Party and the Christian Right (Is there a difference between the two?).

Remembered for: being a great inspiration for songs, particularly 80’s rock bands, including “Shout at the Devil” by Motley Crue, “To Hell with the Devil,” Stryper; “Running with the Devil,” Van Halen, and don’t forget “Devil with a Blue Dress,” by Mitch Johnson and the Detroit Wheels, and the two greatest, “Sympathy for the Devil” by the Rolling Stones and “Devil went down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band. Robert Johnson, who famously sold his soul at a Mississippi Delta crossroads, contributed “Me and the Devil Blues.” Oh and being the subject of John Milton’s “Paradise Lost.” And also as being portrayed as the gay lover to Saddam Hussein in “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.”

Crimes against humanity: Obviously, he agreed on sell-your-soul contracts with Dr. Phil, Dane Cook, Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, Jose Canseco, Jemele Hill, the Spears family, Tara Reid, Carrot Top, Star Jones, Rosie O’Donnell, Matthew McConaughey, Alex Rodriguez, Tom Brady, Scott Stapp of Creed, Victoria Beckham, Ben Affleck, Flavor Flav, Stuart Scott, Skip Bayless, Terrell Owens and Hannah Montana.

Ultimate downfall: According to Revelations, he’s thrown in lake of fire by God. I’m thinking it’s something different, three words — Jaden James Spears.

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